My life is falling apart. Or maybe it’s already fallen apart. I guess it depends on your definition and your parameters for measurement. The few times I’ve been pretty sure I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ve been tested a little more and fallen deeper and harder. I can’t decide whether I’m still falling or it’s the shockwaves of the earthquake aftermath. 

Let’s call it past tense. Purely because I can feel the universe conducting the millions of atoms around me to put it all back together again. It’s in motion, the process is happening.

That doesn’t mean the feelings today aren’t real. The pain. The discomfort. The shame. How can you let yourself fall apart? How could you let your life become like this? And of course the shockwaves continue, helping to remind me every time I put a piece of myself back together again. Whether it’s a comment or a or financial repercussion of the earthquake. Between societal expectations of being ‘a sorted adult’ and damaged humans bringing their subjective views to the table – it’s an absolute rave.

Yet through it all I know it’s meant to be. I’m on the right path. This was all meant to happen to help me be a glorious version of me. 

That schizophrenic conversation in my head might be keeping me exhausted. Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming the carbs.

I’ve been here before. That’s why I can recognise it. The great big fall. The monumental fail. The shame. That’s also why I know I’ll get through it, and the next phase will be greater than I had imagined it. For last time through all the pain, there was a death and rebirth, Harry Potty phoenix style. To a life beyond dreams or concept yet it was one entirely by my own design. 

I had returned back home to the UK, my tail between my legs, entirely unsure of what to do. Where to start. So I did what any self respecting, well educated woman would do. I consulted a tarot card reader. She told me that I was entering a phase of my life where I was completely designing the entire film, as director, script writer, protagonist and set designer (and of course all the other very important roles in creating a blockbuster movie, though maybe more Sundance than Oscar).

I recall, a year after that massive ‘disaster’ period , flicking through my journal and finding lists of what I wanted every area of my life to look like. And this is precisely what I was living. My work, social life, financial status, even down to the person I was. I had realised during this massive transitional period that there were 2 ways to approach life. The first is to let life happen to you (what I had done to date kicking and screaming). The second is to proactively design your own life and get out of your own way so the universe can deliver it to you.

See that’s why I know it’s going to all be ok. Better than ok, even though some days I can’t see beyond the black clouds above my head. This is just the universe’s way of training me,  nurturing me, designing me so that it can deliver the life I wanted. Never be so precise with your asks because there’s no way we can conceive how a request will be delivered. It’s arrogant to think our minds can even fathom all the ways to experience life. It’s like this gift that’s going to be delivered… I just have no idea what it is or the box it’ll be delivered in.

So I’ll keep the schizophrenic conversation in my head on a lower volume as I put Humpy Dumpty piece by piece, day by day back together again.